Thursday, December Twenty-Ninth, Two Thousand Five

Greetings.

The members of the Fido Committee have concluded their deliberations and are now pleased to announce their choices and designees for

the Twenty-Seventh Annual
Fido Awards
for Most Fidoesque Achievement
in the Field of Motion Pictures

As always, we first pause for absent friends.

The Committee would like to take the Charles Bukowski route and declare this year's awards to be a free and independent entity in and of itself, and therefore dedicated to nobody.

We would also like to commend the efforts of many film critics, in the print and Internet mediums, who are attempting to steer audiences towards truly good films; also, Erik Childress' ongoing and tireless busting of bogus film critics by way of his regular "Criticswatch" reports.

The Committee would also like to clarify that this year's awards were made on the basis of whether or not they reflected or had that intangible yet definite quality that can only be called "fidoesque", regardless of how big or small the production. "Fidoesque" is "fidoesque", and renders all films truly equal in stature.

The Committee again hopes that the oncoming year will be better than the preceding one, and here then are the awards for 2005:

Picture of the Year: "Domino" and "Star Wars Episode III---Revenge of the Sith"
Actor: Hayden Christensen, "Star Wars Episode III"
Actress: Jenny McCarthy, "Dirty Love"
Supt. Actor: Brad Garrett, "The Pacifier"
Supt. Actress: Wanda Sykes, "Monster-in-Law"
Director: George Lucas, "Star Wars Episode III" and Tony Scott, "Domino"
Screenplay: George Lucas, "Star Wars Episode III" and Jenny McCarthy, "Dirty Love" (awarded ex aequo)
Special Mention: Trace Adkins' music single "Arlington"

-Sign that the Apocalypse is Truly Nigh: that awful Paul Anka album which made us go "Oh, Lord" every time it came on the radio this year.

-Actor We Most Wanted to See a Safe Drop On: Ian McDiarmid, both before and after he turned into the cackling, finger-wagging Emperor-to-be in "Star Wars Episode III"
-Actor We Most Wanted to See Dropped into the Middle of 'Cannibal Holocaust', Where He'd be Rent from Limb to Limb: Chris Evans, "Fantastic Four"
-Most Irritating: Chris Evans, "Fantastic Four"
-Most Stranded: Ioan Gruffudd, "Fantastic Four"
-Most Totally Out of his Depth: Tim Story, "Fantastic Four"

-Proof That They're Still Doing the Macarena in Scotland: "Dear Frankie"
-Scene(s) Which Most Induced Us to Flee from Our Theater Seat(s) This Year: Carol Kane being thrown-up on in her very first scene in "The Pacifier"; Chris Evans wearing a ski bunny jacket in "Fantastic Four"; Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet's two-moon junction in the desert in "A Lot Like Love"; anything in "Elektra"; the comic menstruation scene in "Dirty Love" (which must be a cinema first); Paris Hilton's striptease in "House of Wax"; the last half hour of "Tropical Malady"; the first twenty minutes of "Elizabethtown"; the entire last half hour of "Old Boy"; the sing-a-long at the end of "The 40 Year Old Virgin"; and the part where they ate CARROLL BAKER's little dog in "Cyclone" (on DVD).
-Scene(s) Which Wouldn't Have Moved Us from our Seat(s) for the Rest of the Movie Even If You Used Dynamite: anything in "The Brown Bunny", "Ma Mére", "9 Songs" and "Inside Deep Throat"; and anything where Dylan Neal appears in the first scene partially undressed (re. "Locusts" and "Vampire Bats", CBS-TV).
-Most Welcome Trend in Movies This Year: more sex (make love not war)
-Most Disheartening Trend(s): homophobic comments and/or jokes increasingly turning up in Hollywood films; raunch in ostensible "family" fare; CleanFlicks

-Sitting Ducks of the Year: Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson
-Movie Which Was Better Than We Expected: "Prozac Nation"
-Movie(s) Which Were Worse Than We Expected: "Cursed" and "The Island"
-Didn't Work, but Good Try: "Dominion"; the musical "Reefer Madness"
-Most Baffling: Keanu Reeves' endless Clint Eastwood imitation in "Constantine"
-Most Garishly Narcissistic: Eric Schaeffer's writing, directing, and acting in "Mind the Gap"
-Most Perfectly Vile Film: "Pretty Persuasion"
-Most Refrigerated: "Sin City"
-Most Utterly Pointless: "Star Wars Episode III", since everybody knew, after two-plus hours, what was going to happen to everyone at the end anyway.
-Most Utterly Maddening: "Schultze Gets the Blues"
-More Utterly Baffling Than Keanu Reeves in 'Constantine': "Millions"
-Most Grossly Underused: Keisha Castle Hughes as the Queen of Naboo in "Star Wars Episode III"
-Most Grossly Unappealing Lead Character: Billy Bob Thornton's Coach Butterworth in "Bad News Bears"
-Michael Winner Award for Director Who Continues to Get Work Despite Showing No Particular Talent or Aptitude Towards Filmmaking: Renny Harlan, whose direction of last year's "Exorcist: The Beginning" was matched only by his direction this year of "Mindhunters"
-Other Least Appealing Leading Men: Jimmy Fallon, "Fever Pitch"; Matthew McConaughey, "Sahara"; Paul Kaye, "It's All Gone Pete Tong"
-Least Appealing Couples: Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet, "A Lot Like Love"; Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman, "Bewitched"; Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"; Billy Bob Thornton and anyone of the female gender, "Bad News Bears"
-Most Unexpectedly Appealing Couple: Tommy Lee Jones and R. Lee Ermey, "Man of the House"
-Most Unappealing Social Occasion(s): the entirety of "Downfall"; Bai Ling's cooking scenes in "Three...Extremes"
-Could Put You Off Pot Stickers for Life: Fruit Chan's episode in "Three...Extremes"
-Least Convincing Sex Symbol: Ashton Kutcher, "A Lot Like Love"
-Psychiatrist Who Fortunately Did Not Go Over to Treat Dakota Fanning in 'Hide and Seek': Tara Reid, "Alone in the Dark"
-Performer Who Most Needs a Break: Dakota Fanning, after her travails in "Hide and Seek" and "War of the Worlds"
-Most Horrifying Scene of the Year: Robert De Niro flailing about with an axe in "Hide and Seek"
-Almost As Horrifying: Paris Hilton removing her clothes in "House of Wax"; Paul Kaye doing anything in "It's All Gone Pete Tong"
-Biggest Disappointment: "Land of the Dead"
-Unbelievable Botch(es): "Be Cool", "In My Country", "Bewitched", "Stealth", Jimmy Fallon's performance in "Fever Pitch"
-Public Disgrace(s) of the Year: Warner Brothers' incredibly poor handling of "Duma"; Will Ferrell's movie-wreaking performances in "Melinda and Melinda" and "Bewitched"
-Most Heartwarming Scene of the Year: Stephen Colbert's smile during a party scene in "Bewitched", which lit up the screen better than anything else in the movie did.
-Worst Cinematography: Dan Hindel, "Domino"
-Worst Music: Harry Gregson-Williams, "Domino"
-Films-Like-This-Could-Give-Family-Films-a-Bad-Name Award: resurrected, for the first time in over two decades, for the films "Robots" and "Valiant"
-Biggest Blob of Nothing: "Stealth"
-Smallest Blob of Nothing: the chucklefest "American Mormon" (Please don't get mad again, Lynn!)
-Other Blob(s) of Nothing: Michael Showalter in "The Baxter"; Ashton Kutcher in just about anything
-And We Still Don't Know What to Make of It: Johnny Depp in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
-Sales Item Most in Need of a Rest: Paris Hilton
-Commodity That Can't Be Promoted Enough: Anderson Cooper
-Film Most in Need of Russell Crowe: "Kingdom of Heaven"
-Film Most in Need of Heidi the Hippo With Her Semi-Automatic Assault Weapon from 'Meet the Feebles': "Fantastic Four" (And we're sure Heidi would've mown down all the main characters.)
-Film Which Most Made You Feel Like You Should Go Directly to Bed Afterwards, With a Nice Cup of Tea: "Constantine"
-Most Unnecessary Remake: "The Longest Yard"
-Most Perfectly Wretched Cameo Appearance: Lloyd Kaufman, "The Janitor"
-Fastest on the Downward Pass: Hal Hartley, followed closely by Jimmy Fallon
-Boo-Boo of the Year: "Elizabethtown"
-Dumbest Movie of the Year: "XXX: State of the Union"
-Longest Movie of the Year: "Batman Begins" and the bits and pieces that were supposed to be "The Brothers Grimm"

-Eighty-Eighth Best Argument for the Elimination of Television: the current edition of "Saturday Night Live" (NBC-TV), the watching of which is often like trying to chew and swallow gravel.
-Eighty-Ninth Best Argument for the Elimination of Television: Bill O'Reilly, who provided us with another year's worth of fresh manure on his Fox News Channel program.
-Ninetieth Best Argument for the Elimination of Television: "The Hollow Men" and "Stella" (Comedy Central), which, both put together, still add up to nothing.
-Ninety-First Best Argument for the Elimination of Television: those weird pharmaceutical commercials Mandy Patinkin started appearing in
-Ninety-Second Best Argument for the Elimination of Television: commercial breaks---which, unless you have TiVo, seem to be getting longer, and longer, and...
-Ninety-Third Best Argument for the Elimination of Television: the abject horror of seeing David Foley acting as stooge to the chowder-headed Craig Ferguson (CBS-TV) in November.

-Bag of Cement Award: "Son of the Mask"
-The Kal Kan (for the doggiest dog movie of the year): "Mondovino"
-The Bill N Coo Award (for the damnedest thing seen this year): double-bumming in the exploitation movie "The Janitor"; Eric Roberts in the music video for the Killers' "Mr. Brightside"
-Muttering Wonder Award (for the film which most made us wish the projectionist would turn up the sound): "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", for Brad Pitt's often inaudible performance
-Scream of the Butterfly Award (for the film which most made us wish the projectionist would turn down the sound): "The Dukes of Hazzard", for obvious reasons (of which there was a lot of in the movie)
-Child Whose Head We Most Wanted to See Crushed Under the Foot of an Elephant: wise, pure, too good to be true Damian in "Millions"
-DeCon Award (for the screen animal we most wanted to see consume grape-flavored rat poison): the entire non-human cast of "Racing Stripes"
-The Cassandra Crossing Award (for worst ending): "Domino"
-BEST Ending of the Year: Dario Argento's "The Card Player"
-Worst News of the Year: Terry Southern's novel "Blue Movie" is finally to be filmed---by the guys who made the atrocious "It's All Gone Pete Tong"
-The Ewart (for the most flagrantly inept film): "Mad Hot Ballroom", which never could figure out how to film the dancers/dancing
-The Demi Moore Accolade: Brad Pitt, who appeared throughout the entirety of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" without once noticeably changing his facial expression. (This award will possibly be retitled, as this is the second time Mr. Pitt has won it in 2 years.)
-The Wild Orchid Award (for the film which best embodied the spirit and essence of Zalman King's 1990 film): Michael Winterbottom's social experiment "9 Songs"
-The David Sheehan Award: Rex Reed, for his "kimchi" review of "Old Boy" in the New York "Observer"; his subsequent, truculent apology for said review; his reporting that the role of Grace in "Manderlay" is played by "a woman named Bryce Dallas Howard"; and his curious statement in a September review that, "Film festivals are like funerals: As soon as one door closes, another opens." Additional points for his recollecting two "unforgettable" scenes from "The Piano Teacher" which, to our knowledge, never existed. Special Mention: David Poland, who predicted that the Best Picture Oscar would go to "The Phantom of the Opera"; and Armand White, an overripe ham who should be set in the 'fridge.
-The Bowser (for the most memorably bad line of dialogue): Andrea Corr being rescued from a river by Shaun Evan in "The Boys and Girl of County Claire" and telling him, "My knight in dripping armor!" (after which she throws up on him): Jenny McCarthy telling Kam Heskin in "Dirty Love", "Brad Pitt's throbbing c**k couldn't help me right now!"; Jenny McCarthy in "Dirty Love" asking, "Tell me I don't smell like puke again!"; Jenny McCarthy, in the ladies room in "Dirty Love", quipping, "Why did the blond jump off the building? Her Stay-Put Maxi-Pad had wings!"; Kam Heskin in "Dirty Love" telling Jenny McCarthy, "Like a summer flower that got rained on and stung by a bee!"; Michael Chiklis in "Fantastic Four" pointing at Chris Evans and declaring, "We can't take orders from the underwear model!"; Elisabeth Harnois in "Pretty Persuasion" saying, "We think he's a podiatrist."; Ashlee Simpson in "Undiscovered" rhetorically asking, "What's Brazilian for 'moron'?" (Answer: They don't speak Brazilian in Brazil, they speak Portuguese.); Christopher Buchholz in the Antonioni segment of "Eros" telling Regina Nemni, "Why do we have to pollute the air with all these f**king words?"; Paul Schneider in "Elizabethtown" telling Orlando Jones, "This loss will be met by a hurricane of love!"; Ewan McGregor in "The Island" telling Scarlett Johansson, "I found a bug!"; Jessica Simpson telling a cop in "The Dukes of Hazzard", "I think something bounced up into my undercarriage."; and Amy Smart in "Bigger Than the Sky" seducing mousey Marcus Thomas by saying, "Come here, you cute, hot man!"

-The Horror of Party Beach Award (for the hokiest horror film of the year): Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson's doomed werewolf movie "Cursed"
-Heinz Ketchup Plaque: awarded, for the first time in 22 years, to Alexandre Aja's "High Tension" (and we look forward to his remake of the touching family drama "The Hills Have Eyes").

-The Monica Lewinsky Humanitarian Award (for the film or film artist which best promoted the cause of world peace): "Sin City"

- The Hansen: for recognition of genuine excellence which might otherwise go unnoted: Jean Simmons, for her voice work in "Howl's Moving Castle"; Christopher Doyle, for cinematography for "Last Life in the Universe", "2046", "Eros", and "Three...Extremes"; the "POV" documentary "Chisholm '72: Unbought and Unbossed" (broadcast on PBS).

- The Purdue: for the performer(s) who struggled most successfully to shine against overwhelming odds in a film, Eva Green in "Kingdom of Heaven" and Vince Vaughn in "Be Cool" (with a Special Nod towards Eddie Kaye Thomas' work in "Dirty Love").
-Special Purdue: Theresa Russell, for a performance we grossly underrated at the time of the film's first release, in Nicolas Roeg's "Bad Timing" (re-released this year on Criterion DVD).

-The Vorneberg Award (for consistent achievement): Hayden Christensen, who, with his performance this year in "Star Wars Episode III---Revenge of the Sith", still can't act.

This concludes this year's communiqué from the Fido Committee. Do well and be well in 2006.

- END –

Woof!

Fun list of underachievements.

Aw, I'm no fan, but didn't think Jimmy Fallon was that bad in Fever Pitch - it's the one decent movie he's done, let's cut some slack. [g]