Yar! Theme Park Rides as movies.

Saw Pirates of the Caribbean the other day -- and just a bit surprised that I liked it (except for it being overlong, but what else is new?). Johnny Depp, doing his best Keith Richards-as-a-pirate impression, singlehandedly raises the overall grade of the film up from a B- to a B+. I was surprised because, even though there have been some good reviews and the cast is pretty high quality, it was hard for me to let go of my initial skepticism: "A movie based on *that* ride??" But since Hollywood movies, in recent years, have become more and more like theme park rides (some even literally becoming theme park rides), it's not a huge surprise that the reverse has also become true.

Before Pirates, I saw a coming attraction for a new movie starring Eddie Murphy, called Haunted Mansion. Yes, as in that haunted mansion, as in Disney, as in Disneyland. (I'll save up any potential concern about seeing black people cast in a haunted house movie -- throwing us all back to 1930's era "comedy" with "pickaninnies" being spooked -- for later.) This was on the heels of The Country Bears movie, and now the Pirates film, which all has made me wonder what could be next... So herewith are my grades of other Disneyland rides and their potential for a film spin-off -- not counting any rides directly based on a prior Disney film.

1) Matterhorn. Ride itself: Dated but still amusing bobsled-train excursion into faux Alps. Movie potential score (out of 10): 2 (Not enough in the way of interesting characters or storyline, and we've already had enough "Heidi" movies... although I wouldn't be shocked to see another.)

2) Space Mountain. Ride itself: Hold on to your stomachs! Movie potential score: 3 (Would have to concoct a real storyline, characters, at that point you might as well steal some good, already existing science fiction story.)

3) Tom Sawyer Island/Riverboat. Ride itself: More just a pointless little mound of dirt on a pond, with Mark Twain theme tacked on, although the boat is fun to sit on. Movie potential score: 1 (why not do a new Tom Sawyer movie? Er, actually, why not just make the kids read the book instead.)

4) Jungle Ride. Ride itself: A childhood favorite, this "lighthearted cruise" seemed pretty dated on a recent visit. I heard they remodeled it a bit since then, but... Movie potential score: 1 (I'd rather watch The African Queen again.)

5) Splash Mountain. Ride itself: fun mix of thrills, chills (literal) and spills, with some goofy B'rer animatronic characters to break it up. Movie potential score: 4 (Would have to improve and modernize the B'rer story, or turn it into a "race for your life, Charlie Brown"-like river race movie.)

6) It's a Small World. Ride itself: Sheer torture. Movie potential score: -2 (Sheer torture. )

7) Big Thunder Mountain. Ride itself: Sort of fun Old West-themed rollercoaster. Movie potential score: 3 (could see them stretching it into a runaway train in the old west sort of movie, but it really would be... stretching it.)

9) City Hall. This was already a movie starring Al Pacino and John Cusack. I didn't really see much connection to the Disney location but... Wait, what'd you say? They're not? Oh... well, that's very different. Never mind.

10) Autopia. Ride itself: Eh, dated, Disneyfied bumper cars without the bumping. Movie potential score: 0 (Unless The Fast and the Furious was based on this?)

11) The Monorail. Ride itself: Like BART except it goes over Disneyland instead of east Oakland. Movie potential score: 2 (The Simpsons monorail episode can't be topped, anyway.)

and lastly,
12) Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln. Ride itself: Animatronic president with goofy (er, I mean great) sound effects. Movie potential score: 10! I see Robert DeNiro as the legendary leader, and Johnny Depp as John Wilkes Booth, and Claire Danes as Mrs. Lincoln.

If I missed anything let me know.

As a footnote to Pirates of the Caribbean, I noticed only a few scenes that reminded me specifically of the ride; one of which involves their entry into Tortuga, with the sight of all the men lifting up whores' dresses, drunkenly singing while holding bottles of rum, all your basic jolly-spirited raping and pillaging, just like in the ride! Then there's the hanging skeletons, dangling as a warning to other pirates. But, the ride still creeps me out more than the movie did.